So it's been a while...

Hello hello, it feels like it's been an age since I last wrote here and spoke to you via the blogosphere! Something that I am planning to attempt to rectify with more regular writing from now on, but I think we need to address why I've been away (I mean you probably haven't even noticed but if you had this is for you!)

It's not because I've been super successfully run off my feet with projects and roles - I have been working away with some incredible projects and creatives but they're all very much in the planning phase!

It's not because I've packed up and left the industry - It's tough out there and I've had countless conversations with people who have or are considering leaving and at times I can absolutely see the sense in it, but for now I'm still going and determined to be here

It's because of something which honestly feels more difficult to talk about than both of those things. Can you spot it?

On my leg there? I was hoping to have hidden it better but if you look carefully its definitely there.

I have a chronic pain condition that means sometimes when it flares up I really struggle to walk without a brace or other people to quite literally hold me up and keep me going. Usually, this lasts a few hours or half a day mainly when its really humid and my joints swell but this year, it's lasted for around two months now. This all began when I was a teenager and as I had grown my joints in my legs hadn't grown in line with my hips making me more prone to pain and dislocations, both of which happened to my knees. Twice. Both times I had to relearn how to walk after a period of being in wheelchairs and on crutches then walking sticks and both times I was determined to get back on my feet. But even after all of my treatment, sometimes it gets too much.

I really spent a long time debating in my own head about whether I wanted to talk about this on here, whether it felt relevant, whether people would think I was looking for sympathy or I don't know but then I realised the actual thing holding me back was embarrassment and a little bit of shame, which is the real reason I've not been posting. And I don't want to feel like that anymore, I don't want other people living with chronic conditions and reduced mobility like me to feel like that, ever. So I wanted to put together this post together to show how my condition affects my work as a creative and a freelancer and some of the things I've put in place during this long flare up period to help me feel better, work to the best of my ability and still love what I do.

The challenges:

For me when I get a flare up these are the main challenges I face (also just a quick disclaimer this is all my own personal experience, no chronic condition is the same and everyones experiences will be different, this is just me and mine to hopefully educate, and make people feel less alone not a dictation of the effects of all chronic pain/conditions) Phew! Onwards!

- I can't walk: This is the main noticeable challenge that other people in the world would notice. Usually I'm quite active very up for walking, exploring and being on hand, on site and in venues but during a flare up I cannot walk, standing is painful and difficult so I'm usually house bound (is that how you say it?) and sat down. Luckily in my roles and due to being freelance I mainly work from home and can continue to do so but at times when I am needed in person it can be a real issue.

- Anxiety: Each time I have a flare up, my anxiety blows up tenfold, I'm constantly thinking of the worst case scenario and that this time my flare up is permanent, I catastorphise and this makes it pretty impossible to focus on anything else for stretches of time, especially detailed tasks which a lot of my work lets face it is.

- Depression: The twisted sister to anxiety my depression (which I've dealt with on and off since university) always spikes during a flare up. I feel hopeless and useless as I cannot do even 25% of the things I usually do so mixed with anxiety it becomes even harder to do anything other than stare into space with the TV on in the background, let alone spearhead projects and write funding bids.

- Neurodiversity: So I'm neurodiverse and for me this manifests in being very attached to plans and routines, something that ironically really helps me excel as a producer, but during a flare up when plans have to change suddenly, I can find it really overwhelming and struggle to cope, or try to continue with the plans, knowing it will make everything worse and hurt myself more by doing so, while being mentally unable to let the plan go

The Solutions/ Things that make it all a bit better

Now we've been through the hard parts, here are the things that I have found to help me get through flare ups and keep creating

- Being honest with your team and/or your employer: I know it can be really hard to do this. I know first hand the internal debate on any job application whether to say I have a chronic condition/disability or not incase it negatively affects my application BUT every time I have told those around me and explained what's going on, luckily I have been met with support and kindness. Those around me have trusted me enough to know that I will get the job done and done well, even if im not able to be on my feet and that trust and support has been really vital in keeping me going. Also it has allowed things to be put in place that have helped me no end such as keeping all my meetings in one space so I don't have to move around buildings as much. Having phone calls and zooms to reduce my travel, giving me some time off to rest and recover before coming back full steam ahead.

- Taking time off if you need it: For me this is really scary but honestly, it does help, even if its a couple of days or an afternoon, don't be sacred to rest. Anyone worth their creative salt will still want to work with you on the other side of your time off and if they don't, would you really want to work for them?

- Keeping a log of my flare ups: Like journalling I started to keep a log of my flare ups so that when they happen again I can look back at my experience and calm myself with the knowledge that this has happened before and I dealt with it before and nothing truly awfully life changing happened. This takes away the fear of the unknown for me and makes it easier to focus on what I can do and how I can heal rather than worrying about the what ifs and being consumed by anxiety.

- Doing something creative: As you may have guessed I love the arts and being creative but when a flare up happens I often don't feel like I can do anything so picking up a pen and paper and doodling, reading a new play or even colouring something in can often lift my mood and remind me what I'm passionate about and give me the energy to keep going

- Planning in rest and work: A huge help during flare ups is planning for me, it calms my brain and fits with how my brain works by putting a new plan or plan like structure in place. I go through all of the tasks I have to do for my projects and split them into things I can do form home that are low energy, things I can do form home that are high energy, things I cannot do from home. From here I build my days into rest periods around these tasks, usually two or three low energy ones in a day and then a day with one high energy task and lots of rest around it. This way I am being 'productive' and working but at my own pace and in manageable chunks where I can still focus on rest and recovery.

This has been a SUPER long posts so if you've gotten this far, thank you and I hope that this has helped you understand me a bit more, or even how people with chronic conditions like mine may work or experience the world at times or even given you some new ideas on how to manage a creative life with one. I'd love to hear from you if you're also in the same or a similar boat it always inspires and encourages me!